We watched home movies tonight, and it made me totally melancholy and sad and so, so homesick for Seattle and for our life there. We watched the one where we filmed our Vine Street apartment about 2 weeks after our wedding, and I just miss that so much. I don't miss the exact apartment, per se, I just miss that stage, that time, that glow of just being married -- we were happy and I loved my job and we were both working so we had extra money, and I kept my house clean and I loved to cook and we went out and did things, like visited coffee shops and bars and restaurants and went for walks along the waterfront and went to the Ballard Sunday Market and browsed in record stores and went to stand-up comedy and rode the bus and walked and went to art shows and baseball games and it was just a good time, almost a perfect time, really.
And I miss it, so much that it almost hurts sometimes. I want to regain that feeling about my life, and while life doesn't suck or anything now, I just don't feel the same way about it as I did before. I find that I just want to stay home. I don't want to leave and do anything (there's not that much to do here, especially during the winter, anyway); I just want to curl up on the couch and eat ice cream and knit and watch movies. Maybe that's why I've gained weight since we moved here...I don't go on walks (where does one walk in Maine besides the Back Cove?), I have a car, I live in a suburb and don't even walk a few blocks to get my lunch every day...yeah, I'm sure it's all of that combined.
Then we watched our video of our road trip out here. What excitement and anticipation we felt. That trip was so fun, even if by the end I was about ready to jump out of the moving vehicle if that was what it took to not have to ride in it any more. But what a closeness we shared -- nothing bonds like 5 days in a moving truck. It felt like such an adventure, like such a great and momentous undertaking. It was fun.
I don't know. Like I said, life is pretty good here right now. I really have nothing to complain about. But just watching those videos I was overwhelmed with the feeling that if I could go back in time, I would go back and re-live May 2003-November 2003...but I can't, and all I can do is go forward, so that is what I must do. And yet, I so don't want to be one of those people who lives in the past, like in Napoleon Dynamite how Uncle Rico continues to relive his high school football days (like when he chucks the steak and it hits Napoleon...oh, I laughed so hard), but sometimes it's hard to move on when a certain time seemed so good.
I guess I should just revel in the fact that those times were great and we were lucky to have them, and that there will be more of them eventually. Yes, becuase I certainly don't want to become like Uncle Rico -- neither in reliving my past, nor selling bad tupperware, nor in living in a van, nor in the sheer sleeze factor, nor in hitting on high school-aged girls...so I must fight the melancholy to avoid ever being remotely like Uncle Rico.