I have so many things I need to post: photos of C's visit to Seattle, photos of my lunch with Isabel, and other fun and random thoughts.
But for one thing, I haven't had time, and for another, I seem to (still) be preoccupied with all of these miscarriage-related emotions.
Today marks four weeks since I started bleeding. Three weeks since the miscarriage actually finished. It's hard to think about. In some ways, it feels like it was forever ago and like I was never pregnant, and in other ways, it feels like it happened yesterday. I would have been 13 weeks along today, beginning my second trimester. I would probably be starting to get a belly. I would probably be all nervous about telling people at my work this week or next. I would have seen my baby's heartbeat and photo by now. I'd be getting ready to go in for my second pregnancy appointment next week.
I'm trying not to think about all of this at work today or I may start crying. The awful part is, like the entire rest of this week, I've been fine all morning and now I feel terribly weepy. It usually hits very suddently, and it is literally like I have a weight on my chest and like waves of physical sadness are sweeping through me.
I'm not hysterical or anything, but I do feel just really sad. Really sad. And I'm so sick of these mood swings. I just want to be somewhat normal again! I know it's only been a few weeks, but geez...I just want to feel better.
Every day this week I have been fine, even happy, all morning, and then after lunch -- BOOM -- it hits me and I am sad and weighted down and distracted. I think part of it is being here at work for some reason. I usually feel ok again once I leave for the night, but there is just something about being here, with all the stress of my job, that makes me all panicky and sad.
It doesn't help that Brett's out of town. And granted, I told him to go even though he (very sincerely and very sweetly) offered to stay home. But just knowing that he's 3,000 miles away makes me feel lonely.
This has been a rough month on our relationship. There have been times where I know he hasn't known how to react to my emotions, and that has hurt me very deeply in that moment. But it seems (knock on wood) like he gets it now and he knows how to respond when I'm upset. That's huge, having his support and his kindness to fall back on.
I should get back to work. I was actually very productive this morning, for the first time since I've been back. It was a great feeling. Now I guess I just have to push through this sadness and keep being productive. Blah.