Tuesday, September 18, 2007

sheepish

Well, I called it last night when I said that I would regret posting what I did, because I do regret it. I feel better physically this morning, and that, of course, improves my mood dramatically.

After I wrote that post, I was reading some blogs I haven't had time to read in a while, one of which is Amy's Humble Musings, the blog of a Christian mom that my friend Katie told me about a while back. I don't always totally agree with what Amy says, but fundamentally, I think, we probably agree about a lot of things.

Anyway, she is pregnant, too, and was talking about a conversation with her grandma where her grandma listed out all of her health complaints. And then Amy said this, "I mentally noted my own long list: nausea, back pain, acid reflux, sleep deprivation, various cold symptoms, and general feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin."

Yeah, pretty much what I feel a lot of the time and again, pretty much exactly the things I talked about in my post last night. It definitely caught my eye, that list of my exact complaints, and kind of primed me for what she'd say next.

Amy went on to share a bit of insight she gained from a book by John Piper, called Life as a Vapor. She said:

The message of the tiny book, Life As a Vapor, I think, is that since our
time is short, we ought to live (and suffer) in such a way that makes Christ
look great. Since we are His and He is ours, our satisfaction in Him (which
includes the tiniest details of how He orders things, including our troubles)
brings Him the most glory. The heavens declare His glory and we ought to too.
It’s what we were made for.

Hoo boy, talk about convicting, especially after I posted that huge whine last night. I feel like this is the lesson God has been trying to teach me over and over and over again over the past few months, really, throughout the past year -- through Brett's lack of job, through the miscarriage, through the sickness that has accompanied this pregnancy, and through some other circumstances we've endured.

By this, I don't think Amy is saying -- or that the Bible says -- to gloss over suffering, to ignore it, to refuse to acknowledge it, to live in some happy-all-the-time la-la-land of Christianity. That is a sinful worldview, to think that because you're a Christian, life is going to be all flowers and smiles. I think what the message is instead is that we are to give our suffering, no matter how large or small, to Christ, and let him be glorified in us through that suffering.

While this is an oft-quoted passage on this topic, I think it's obviously a relevant one, and one that it never hurts to remember. Romans 5:1-5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

So my prayer today has been and will continue to be that I can give my suffering to God and let him be glorified in me through that. And it's hard. I want to whine. I want to gripe. I want to complain. And yes, I think it's ok to do that a little, to acknowledge my suffering. I certainly think that I should be honest about my feelings. But really, my overall attitude needs to be what shifts here, from one of grumpiness, negativity, and complaining to one of peace and of "the hope of the glory of God."

Monday, September 17, 2007

sentence (sentance?) fragments

See, I can't even remember how to spell sentence right. Problem!

So tired. Sleep. Now. Bed. Pillows. Snuggle. Cat. Zzzz.

Yes, I'm so tired that even typing out, "I'm so tired; I'd like to go to sleep now in my bed with my pillows while I snuggle my cat," is too much effort so I just say, "So tired."

At the end of every day (who am I kidding? By 2 p.m. every day) I am so tired that I can't even function. The bus ride home every night is torture, especially after it is no longer an express and stops at every. single. stop. between Ballard Ave & Market Street and our stop up the hill. Keeping my mind on work is torture, too. I am really struggling and I know it shows, and I hate that. I want to do a good job but I just feel so incapable of that right now, both physically and emotionally.

This tiredness is different than the first trimester kind as it's accompanied by not only sleepiness and a jet-lagged feeling, but also by myriad achy muscles and tendons to the point that makes it hard to even roll over in bed at night. I have to hold my arm out to Brett and have him help by pulling me over onto my other side. (Yes, I'm only 22 weeks. Yes, I know it only gets worse from here. Honestly, I try not to think about it.)

Sitting in my chair at work is torture; I hurt so bad by 3-ish I can't stand to sit there anymore and I feel like I'm going to come out of my skin. There have been several afternoons I have seriously contemplated lying down on the floor of the conference room just because I need some relief from the pull of gravity that occurs when I'm sitting in my chair or standing up.

I could keep going with this laundry list of whining but I feel like I should stop. When people ask me how I'm doing, I am compelled to just say, "Oh, fine! I'm just a little tired," because for some reason admitting that I am super uncomfortable already seems like an act of betrayal against myself -- like if it's this bad and I'm only 22 weeks, how in the hell am I going to handle being pregnant at, say 32 weeks? I feel like a big wussie wimp.

**whispering, so that the glow-y pregnant ladies of the world don't hear** But seriously? This whole being pregnant thing kind of stinks.

Don't get me wrong, I love feeling the baby move more than anything I've ever felt, and I love the way my belly is getting cute and round, I love strangers making comments about me being pregnant, and, let's be honest here, I love having people tell me I'm a cute pregnant lady.

But in all reality, much of my day is spent trying not to think about how uncomfortable/tired/sick/sore/whatever I am. And the truth is that I feel like a traitor to say that, a traitor to myself, a traitor to all the women who want a baby and can't have one, a traitor to my mom and sister, who both had super easy pregnancies, a traitor to moms in general, a traitor to my baby.

Blah. Hormones. See? That's another thing that stinks...but I'll just stop there.

This wasn't supposed to be such a whiny entry; I sat down here determined to write something semi-funny about how tired I am, but here we are, a few paragraphs later and a total vent in progress.

Oh well. In the interest of not falling of the face of the earth, I'll go ahead and post this, although as with many of my whinier posts, I'm sure I'll regret it tomorrow. But still, I want an accurate record of this pregnancy, and, well, let's just say this entry is nothing if not accurate.

I'm going to bed...ahhh...pillows. Cat. Down comforter. Zzzz....

Friday, September 07, 2007

hodgpodge

I'm just going to use bullets here...too much to say, too little time.
  • The new house is fantastic and is feeling more homey every day, as we get more and more boxes unpacked. Brett finally got our crappy Ikea bedframe (for which we paid $189 right after we were married, and which we have moved four times in four years) re-jury rigged last night (it's broken twice, but Brett's handy so he's just fixed it both times) (yes, we are cheap), so thankfully we are no longer sleeping on a mattress on the floor.

  • It is very hard for a pregnant lady to get her butt up off of a mattress on the floor to go pee in the night. I'm just sayin'.

  • The move went pretty smoothly, thanks in very large part to our friend Gregory and to our good friends Josh and Crystal. We really couldn't have done it without their help!

  • We have no Internet at home as yet, thanks to Qwest's ridiculousness. I have called them no fewer than three times in the past two days and spoken with roughly four representatives, only to be told to call back to speak with someone else in a different department each time. Perhaps I'll have the time/energy to deal with it this weekend.

  • Things are really crazy at work right now...that's all I'm going to say other than that it is really stressful.

  • I get to see my really really good friend Daisy tomorrow, and I get to meet her baby!!! She is only in town for a couple of days for her sister-in-law's wedding, but we managed to find an hour or two tomorrow morning that we can connect. It means getting up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday, but for Daisy? I'll do it! I can't wait to give her a hug and to see her beautiful little girl in person.

  • The Snugglefriend/He-She is dancing around in there a lot more these days. I am to the point now where when He/She moves, it feels like He/She is using my bladder as a trampoline. It's a really strange and pretty uncomfortable feeling, but I like feeling the movement so much that I don't mind too much.

  • I'm 21 weeks pregnant today. Although you can't really tell in this picture, I still have the double belly, which annoys me. I look really big on the top belly and not so much on the bottom part. Oh well. I guess that's what you get for having fat rolls when you get pregnant. :P