Friday, February 29, 2008

I'm not really sure what to say about this, because I've already said most of what I feel, but I feel like I need to acknowledge it somehow anyway. This Sunday will mark one year since the miscarriage. In some ways, it feels like a lot longer -- so much has happened in this past year.

It's been on my mind a lot lately, not in an overly emotional way, necessarily. I've just been thinking about it, and how hard it was, and how dark the time after the miscarriage was. I don't even remember March or April, save for one or two events like Carolyn's visit and Easter with Caleb and Marci.

We were singing a song at church on Sunday, and there's a line that says, "I will arise and go to Jesus. He will embrace me in his arms. And in the arms of my great savior there are ten thousand charms." I suddenly teared up, remembering the image Annie had of me getting to heaven and being embraced by the baby we lost and by Jesus.

Definitely, having Elanor here has helped immeasurably as I remember this time last year. It doesn't take the pain away, and certainly she doesn't invalidate the baby we lost, but it helps. I can look at her funny little face and feel happy that she is here, and she is ours, knowing that she couldn't have been if I hadn't lost our first baby.

So, yeah. What a year it's been. A really tough first half, with the miscarriage and then me being so very sick during my pregnancy with Elanor, followed by a wonderful second half.

I feel so blessed, especially as I look back to this time last year and how bleak everything was, between the miscarriage and Brett's struggle to find a job. Today, we have our little girl, Brett has a job he enjoys that seems like it was made for him, we are living in a house we love...really, there is not much more I could want.


Xin Lei said...

You really have had quite the year...and yet because of the valleys and peaks you've gone through, I have come to love and respect you more than ever. I will be thinking of you on Sunday.

C said...

You're in my thoughts!

Rachel said...

These anniversaries are tough. I hope that your day went OK.