I've been feeling in a little bit of a funk this week for the first time since Elanor was born. It's partly due to some relational issues that I won't talk about here, but that have been consuming a lot of my mind and heart. One of them is mostly worked out, and the other will eventually work itself out, but they are still hard to deal with and make me sad to think about.
However, the main reason behind my funk has to do with the fact that I set a definite date to return to work: April 9. (If you hadn't guessed, that is the thing I mentioned in my last post that makes me cry when I think about it too much.)
I knew when I got pregnant that I'd have to go back to work full-time. I also knew that God would provide people to care for Elanor when that time came. Thankfully, it looks like either one of her grandparents or aunts or else a handful of our close friends will be able to care for her until the fall -- a huge relief off of my chest, knowing not only that she'll be with people who love her but also knowing that most of this care will be free, allowing us to sock away as much as we can can in savings or toward debt over the next several months.
Still, knowing that I'd have to go back and actually doing it are two wholly separate things. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, even though for the most part I enjoy my job and truly like my co-workers. While I've had jobs I've liked before, I have to say that staying home with Elanor beats every single one of them, no contest. I love it. It is everything I've ever wanted to do. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I really feel like this is what I'm meant to do in this life: be with her every day and see to it that our home runs smoothly. I just don't know from a financial standpoint how that's possible, though.
Really, it comes back to trusting God, I suppose. I do trust him. I know that he put the desire in my heart to have a baby. I know that he redeemed the miscarriage through Elanor. I know that he made her arrive beautiful and perfect and healthy. I know that he has provided amazing people to care for Elanor. I know that he has put the desire in my heart to be home with Elanor, and any other children we may have. So what I ask myself, then, is that doesn't it follow that he'll provide a way for me to be home with Elanor more? Verses like this one make me think that it does. "Trust in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)
And, if for whatever reason that doesn't happen, and I don't get to do what is the desire of my heart and be home with her, I will have to trust him anyway, to provide the strength to get through the long 11 hours I'll be away from this sweet face each day.
Note: I don't want to jump into a SAHM vs WOHM debate with this post. Just know that it's how I feel -- that I want to be home with her and I can't be, at least right now. It is in no way an indictment of those who could be home and choose not to.
Note #2: An update on the fun thing I mentioned in the last post is forthcoming, probably this week. It's exciting, I promise!! Well, at least I think so, anyway. :p