Tuesday, July 08, 2008

whiny whiny whine

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions on my last post. I have really been trying to take it easy and not overdo things, but it's an ongoing challenge, so we'll see how it continues. Thankfully a couple of friends are going to come over in the next few days just to help with getting things done; I really appreciate their help. And since I wrote this, Brett's been forcing me to take it easy more, too, and has been doing a ton around the house, which I appreciate more than I can express. He doesn't care, really, whether the bathroom floors are clean or dirty, but he scrubbed them on Sunday because I care. And that? Is what makes a wonderful husband.

Work is...overwhelming, both while I'm actually there as well as when I'm not there, as it tends to really sap my energy in general and leave me exhausted once I get home. And that's frustrating, because I have very little energy for the things I need to do -- see my previous post -- not to mention the things I want to do, like having fun with Elanor and Brett, blogging, hanging out with friends, answering emails, etc.

I am not really sure what to do about that imbalance. We are trying to talk it out and pray and figure out what our life should look like going forward...because how it looks at this present moment isn't practical or sustainable for us. We're both too tired and too overwhelmed to continue as we are, but we are really not sure how to get from here to where we want to be.

My friend Carmen and I were talking today (I called her while I was pumping at work, which is the only time in the day I have to do things like make phone calls) and she mentioned how when she worked part-time, she was often really frustrated by it, even though almost everyone else she talked to seemed to view part-time work as ideal.

Carmen said that what she found was that when she was working part-time, she felt stretched way too thin: she never got everything done at work she needed to, and found it hard to be present at work when she was there, and then when she got home, there was still the same amount of work to do at home but it was that much more overwhelming because she was gone that much more. And dude, that's totally how I feel. Even though I'm only working half-time, commuting adds about an hour (well, about 45 minutes) on to either end of my day, so I am actually gone for 7 hours, which is -- I think -- a long time to be gone every day. By the time I get home at about 2, the day just feels like it's gone. I can *maybe* get a quick nap in, or a quick errand, but then before I know it, Brett's home and it's dinner time and we're eating and cleaning up and there's laundry to be done and then I have to get everything together (clothes ironed and laid out, bus bag packed, etc) to start it all over again the next morning.

I almost feel bad writing that because it seems like I'm just never content with my lot, and that I somehow think the grass is always greener on the other side, since when I worked full-time I would have given my right arm for the schedule I have now.

But I guess I'm just being honest, that part-time work isn't all I had it cracked up to be in my head. That's probably partly due to the fact that I am just freaking tired from all the health stuff and partly due to what Carmen and I talked about, that stretched thin feeling when you are not fully in one world or another.

Anyway, I'm just feeling in a complain-y state right now, and I hate it. I do not like being frustrated with and dissatisfied with things, and I don't like complaining. I feel like I do it waaaaay too much. Yet here I am, whining once again to the Interwebs. Sigh.

I promise there are more fun and interesting -- read: less whiny and self-centered -- posts coming soon. I have a whole list of things to blog about; I hope I can get some time in the next week to just get some posts written. I guess we'll see about that.

I'll leave you with a more cheerful thing: a picture of Elanor. We went on a walk on Saturday morning and she was wearing her cute outfit with the bear ears, which her Noni got for her. It is one of my favorites!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetie, if you wrote this post as an average new mother, you would be just an average new mother struggling, not whining.

BUT, your life is so much more complicated. Your heart needs a lot of rest, relaxation, sleep and meds to heal. Your muscles are probably deconditioned (they don't have the ability to absorb oxygen from the blood, as before) and it will be a while until you get to that. I'm really happy that you have supportive friends, family and most of all Brett. It's a challenging long road and you will get there, but you are just approaching the middle.

Best,

Anne

Xin Lei said...

Kathleeny,

I agree with Anne...a lot of what you're experiencing are the struggles a new mother faces...on which on top of you have to add your recent health crisis! I think working part-time does almost sound harder than working full-time...I hope something will work out to alleviate some of the stress! Sorry I haven't called...I've been feeling a bit stretched thin myself...but I will give you a ring this week. Love you!

Isabel said...

What a great post. I agree that I would naturally assume that working PT would be ideal. But reading your thoughts on it totally make me see it another way. I can totally see how working PT could be harder.

Especially when you're trying to get back to 100%!

Just take things as slow as you can. Which, I know, is almost impossible.

And don't stress about trying to find time to meet me for lunch. I totally understand. And I'll still be here when things settle down.

Hugs and kisses!!

C said...

I'll just ditto Anne and Isabel since they took the words right out of my mouth. I hope that this stretched-too-thin feeling is just a temporary problem or that you're able to figure out a schedule that works better for you.

(((hugs)))